Casey

This is my Casey Boy.

Last night he went to be with Brad and his brother, Cooper.

Casey, Cooper and Brad were best friends.

Casey loved being in the mountains. He loved going on horse rides and four-wheeler rides. He'd eat anything. (I'm talking rocks, soda cans, rodents, horse nail clippings....anything people.) He'd roll in anything stinky he could find, play in the mud and bathe in the river.

You know how sometimes, when a dog dies, parents lie to their kids and tell them that they went to live in a home where they have lots of room to run and play?

Casey really lived that life.

He had nearly two acres of space that was all his. He had a family who loved him, played with him and constantly took him out to the mountains.

(This is Casey meeting our baby colt, Jasmine)

He was the best family dog. I always said that if he didn't stink or shed, I'd have him in the house all the time. One night, he was sleeping in the house (as my guard dog, since Brad was out of town) and he was sick. He got up and rushed to the tile floor to throw up so he didn't get it on the carpet.

He knew when I was scared at home and he'd stay right by me everywhere I went, taking care of me.

He was great to Leah. She sat on him, rode on him, pulled his tail, stuck her whole hand in his mouth and her finger in his eye and he just loved her.

Of course, Casey was a bird dog at heart. It's what these guys loved and lived for.

When I found out that Casey was sick, Mike and I took him pheasant hunting one last time. Mikey loves Casey just about as much as we do and he and Nicole have been so great to help me take care of him.

I was devastated when I woke up this morning to find out that he was gone. But I'm glad that Brad has his dog back. I know they missed each other. I really do believe that all dogs go to heaven.

A few positives that I am grateful for:

I didn't have to put him down. I'd ben wrestling with that choice for a while now and almost did it twice. I tried to keep him going with his diet and meds. As long as he wasn't suffering and still happy, I wanted to keep him around. When I found out he was sick, I prayed that if he was going to die that he would just go peacefully because I REALLY didn't want to make that choice.

He just laid down in my garage and went to sleep.

He died in his own home. He loved this house and this yard. I'm going to move soon and I was worried about taking him to a smaller yard and containing him to a small kennel. I know he wouldn't be as happy there. This will always be his home.

So, that's it. 2011 had only two more days left and it decided to hit me one last time. I swear I'm done. I'm determined that 2012 cannot, will not be as awful as last year.

5 deaths and my life and future changing in every single way possible.

Yeah. That's enough for a while.

December update

I haven't blogged in a while. You probably already knew that. Things have just been busy. Even though I sorta boycotted Christmas this year (poor leah) it's still freaking busy.

She's fine. Don't worry about her. She's still gets a tree. I brought the stupid thing up myself. Only two strands of lights work, so I choose not to plug it in. Leah and her cousin Toby decorated it, so there's five ornaments on the top half and thirty on the bottom. And I like it that way. She still gets to do lots of Christmasy things, but a lot of them aren't with me. I have to thank my family for helping her have a great Christmas because I just haven't been up to it.

I'm not a super hater, but yes, the season is hard. I've been dreading it for a looooong time now. Brad's birthday is Christmas eve, so that's something else I get to deal with. I still love Christmas. I really do. I just find myself with little energy for the trivial things of the season. I only brought up the tree. I didn't even open the rest of my decorations. And we've done a few seasonal things. Just not two a day. We do have an elf of the shelf who has toilet papered our house, and hung Leah's underwear on the tree. (she'd be super embarrassed if she knew I told you that.) Leah will have a great Christmas day with a decent amount of presents. Not thirty seven. Santa's not bringing me any. I'm on the naughty list. And I'm okay with that, too. Because I spoiled myself rotten this Christmas (I'll tell you about it later) I've just cut back and I'm caring very little about the tiny things, wanting to focus most of the tiny bits of energy I do have on the Savior.

I have been writing though. My book is ALMOST done with this second phase. (there's still one...maybe two more phases to go through, but they shouldn't be so hard.)

My writing group is in full swing working on next years Teen Author Boot Camp. (check us out at www.teenauthorbootcamp.com We're so awesome you'll probably pee your pants)

I've been busy with getting my house ready to sell. BIG, huge, scary step!!!!

And I've been doing lots of hard things, which has probably contributed to the little black rain cloud that's been hovering over my head lately.

I sat down with some of Brad's friends that were with him when he died and we went into detail. Lots of detail. I asked every question I could. We looked things up on the map. I wanted to know exactly what happened. It's not that I didn't know...I just didn't know every single detail. The only time anyone really told me the story was the day after it happened, and we've all learned that I was insane then. At least I wasn't so crazy that I have completely different memories from the actual reality.----- oh wait!!!

I spent some time writing Brad's story, wanting to get every detail just right so one day, when Leah asks questions, I'll be able to answer. I think I'm going to edit it and post some of the story on the blog. But I won't do it now, since you're all so chipper with holiday cheer and all.

I finally cleaned out his closet. A project I've been dreading for 10 months and 11 days. It was hard. But good. and then really hard. I listened to quiet spiritual Christmas music and just dealt with it. Leah was gone and it was nice to be alone. I would go through, folding shirt after shirt doing fine for about ten or fifteen shirts and then, for reasons I don't understand, one would just hit me and make me stop. Sometimes for a while. My amazing mother in law--best quilter in the state, possibly the entire country is going to make Leah and I a quilt from his clothes. There is enough shirts and jeans to make a large quilt front and back. Maybe a few of them. I'm so excited that she's going to do that for us. It will end up being one of the most special things we have.

I supposed I could've just pulled all the clothes down, and shoved them in large bags. At times, I even imaged Brad rolling his eyes and telling me I was being silly and just SHOVE! But it just wasn't the right way to do it. I wanted to fold his clothes. All his clothes.

One last time.

It took hours. And it was a good thing. One of those scrub the wound moments, ya know? Sometimes I think I suppress things too much. Mostly because I'm a retard and have an extremely hard time with my emotions in front of other people, so it's nice when I do have some time alone to allow myself to feel it, and deal with it and cry for twenty minutes over a red aeropostale shirt.

I think I need therapy.

So, all in all, sorry that the blog has been slacking. I feel it too. I was wondering the other day, why I was struggling so much (besides the fact that my dog is super sick, going crazy and running away, and I had another funeral to go to--this makes four close, sudden, tragic funerals I've had in the last year and a half.) I realized just how much writing this blog is my therapy. I'm going to try to be better. But, as much as I think I'm busy right now, things are about to get a whole lot busier!!!! (in a good way)

Merry Christmas!

Choices.

I have been thinking for a long time about our choices. I saw a play today, the Women of Lockerbie. It really was all about death and grief and healing. Yeah, not your fun tap dancing musical. We all cried all our makeup off.

In it, there is a dialogue the women have about choices.

They say that our every day is made up of so many tiny choices, each with a consequence.

“You choose Delta, your son lives. You choose Panam, your son dies.

You walk your dog a few minutes earlier then you usually do and you miss your living room getting crushed by a plane.

You walk out the door in the rain, and you meet your future husband.

Sometimes I wonder if it is us who makes these choices at all, or if it’s something bigger, like God.”

Of course, they say it better, and with Scottish accents. But it really made me think and decide to finally turn that pondering into words here.

I think it’s a question so many people wonder about. Do we have any control? Or is it all God?

What if we had made different choices?

What if I hand’t let him go on that hunting trip? What if they came home when they’d planned instead of staying the extra night? What if I had thrown a fit and made him come home when he told me that he was staying longer? What if I didn’t let him buy that stupid plane in the first place? What if . . .

Was it Brad’s choices, my choices, someone else’s choices, that lead to his death, or has it always been Heavenly Father’s plan for him to die then?

When Brad was sent from Heaven to Earth did Heavenly Father tell him, “Okay Brad, you’re going to live for 28 years, then I’m going to have you die in a plane crash, leaving your wife and daughter alone.”

That just doesn’t seem right.

I don’t think God would take his precious son or daughter and tell them, “You’re going to come down into the world, and I’m going to have you get addicted to drugs, and then I’ll have you overdose and die.”

I just don’t think that Heavenly Father works like that. I don’t think that he sits up in Heaven, like an almighty puppet master, just pulling the strings, not allowing us any control in our lives.

But I also don’t think that he just sits back and lets us have at it with no intervention at all. What a mess that would be.

We have our agency. That’s the whole point, right? We have the right to choose. We can choose to get in the car, or ride the bus. They’ll both have consequences. We can choose to follow God’s commandments, or disregard them completely. They’ll both have consequences.

So, at what point does Heavenly Father intervene? Would he jump in and totally stop us if he doesn’t like the choices we’re making? If that’s not his plan?

I know we’ve all heard of the stories when someone gets in an awful car crash and should be dead, but by some miracle they are alive. Did He intervene then because it wasn’t their time? Or would he have sat back and said, “you used your agency to choose to go down that road, this are the consequence.”

I just don’t know.

This I do know.

I know that Heavenly Father KNEW that this was going to happen to Brad. I don’t know if it was his plan all along, or if could see where Brad’s choices were leading. I can see the ways that he did intervene, though at the time, I didn’t understand it.

Brad and I were supposed to be building a house. We started planning this house, this dream, only two months after we met. If you knew Brad, you know that once he gets excited about something he obsesses until he has it exactly the way he wants.

Though he was really excited, for some reason, Brad kept stalling when it came to our house. It was so strange to me. I was usually the one pulling back on the reigns, and he was the one running head first, no second thoughts. After weeks, or even months, I pushed him to tell me why he was stalling. He said that every time he went to do something serious about selling our house or building a new one, he just didn’t feel quite right about it, though he never could pinpoint why. I don’t even think he recognized that the Spirit was trying to tell him something until we talked it out. So we decided to hold off, work on some projects at this house and continue to pray about it.

In hindsight, I am so grateful for that. If Brad had ignored his feelings, or if he had chose not to act on them, right now, I would probably be living in a rented apartment, building a way too big/expensive house that I wound’t want to live in. I’m so grateful that Heavenly Father intervened. But it was still our choice to listen.

I think that’s how it works most of the time.

We have to choose if we are going to let Heavenly Father direct and guide our lives.

I can see other ways that he guided others live's and protected them.

Many still marvel that Brad was alone on that fateful flight. So many feel shaken because they feel like they should have been in the back seat with Brad, but for some reason, they weren’t.

One of Brad’s buddies even asked to get in the plane on that last take off, but Brad said no. He felt uncomfortable about the length of the runway and didn’t want to push it with two people. Was that Brad just being overly cautious or did he feel prompted to not let him in the plane?

Did he feel a prompting about flying right then and choose not to listen? I have no idea. The thought haunts me.

I do know that God can intervene if he wants. Most of the time it’s our choice to allow it. Could God have warned Brad, or me or his friends and kept Brad from harm? Yes. Did he and we just didn’t listen? Maybe. I hope not.

If it really wasn’t Brad’s time, could he have intervened, even though Brad’s agency led him there? Yes. I know he could’ve. He could have changed that one stupid draft that wasn’t there just two minutes before. He could’ve broken the plane. He could’ve made it rain. But he didn’t. Which tells me that though God doesn’t pull the puppet strings and we still make our own choices, this was his will.

It was not his will for someone else to get in the back seat with Brad. Heavenly Father intervened. And Brad chose to listen.

There are so many things that happened around this time of Brad’s death, too many things to ignore and say that Heavenly Father doesn’t have a hand in my life. Heavenly Father did so many things to prepare us all for this.

Like Brad’s sister having a random day off work and spending almost all of it at with Brad at the cabin.

Like Brad’s Dad, who suddenly decided to take the whole family to Disneyland even though he swore that he wouldn't take Leah until she was five. We all went on a family vacation just two weeks before Brad died. We got our last family picture.

Like Brad’s good friend who was back home for just a few days and made a sudden decision to stop by and see Brad before he had to leave again. Brad was the last person he saw here at home. He didn’t even see his Dad.

There are just too many things to make me believe that Heavenly Father really does have a hand in my life. And he always will, if I will allow it and be open to it.

Though I don’t fully understand it and I straight up don’t like it, I know that Heavenly Father was in control on that day. It was his will for this to happen–for Brad to go home, and for me, and my family to have this trial in our lives.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. It’s mostly just me hammering out my thoughts, trying to make sense of it while I go. It all sounded much more concise and powerful when I was laying on the couch with a migraine.

What do you guys think about it? Any insights? Any thoughts to help me figure this one out?

Tricky life questions.

Greatful.

The other day I was down. Blue. Depressed. Pissed off. It seemed I couldn’t catch a break, that every time I felt like life was settling down, life would hit me again. Hard. I’m sick of people coming to the door with bad news. I swear I go through PTSD every time some one has a bad look cross their face.

Of course, I wanted to blog about it. I was sick of being positive, of looking on the bight side. I was sick of always trying to be happy and not let things get me down.

I was down right angry. And I wanted to blog about every single awful thing that’s happened to me in the last year or so. I wanted to rant and wine and complain. I wanted to wallow and feel sorry for myself.

I told myself that I’d redeem the angry blog post by immediately posting about all my blessings. I just wanted this one moment of self misery.

I sat on it for a day or two, trying to find time to write the pity party. Then, I decided, what good would that do? All that would accomplish would be wallowing in my own misery and inviting others to wallow with me. Nothing good comes from complaining, so why do it?

So, I’m skipping the rant and going straight to the blessings.

Because I have SO MANY BLESSINGS.

Family– Family that loves me. Family that’s close by. Family that’s done so much for me. In-laws that love me and take care of me like I was there own. I couldn’t survive without family.

Friends– FRIENDS. FRIENDS. FRIENDS. They are my sanity. My middle of the day salvation. My drop everything and cheer me up. My lunch buddies. My distractions. I couldn’t survive without friends.

The gospel– Where would I be without the gospel? Where would I be without the plan of salvation and my testimony of a loving Father in Heaven and a life after death? Where would I be without eternal marriage? I’ve read about other widows without faith. I’ve met and talked to other widows without a belief of heaven. I’ve seen the difference. The spirit is what comforts me. What helps me be happy in the face of my trials. My testimony of the Savior is what keeps me going. I couldn’t survive without the gospel.

Leah– I swear, if I didn’t have a daughter who needed to be fed, needed to be dressed and needed her butt wiped, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed for three months. Even now, there are days when she’s the only reason I’m up. (Even though I’ve taught her to make her own breakfast and how to work the T.V.–Dragon Tails is my best friend in the early morning.) She’s a sweet heart. She’s so fun and so happy. I love her more then anything. I don’t know what I’d do without my favorite little girlfriend. There is something special about a Daughter. I’m so grateful I get to be a Mom–I get to be HER Mom. I’m pretty lucky.

Brad– I got to be married for six years to the most amazing man ever. He taught me so much. He supported me in everything. I am a better person because I know him. I’m still trying every day to improve myself and be better because of him. Because of him, I met so many great people and I get to be part of an amazing family. I get to have him for eternity. I promised him I would live the rest of my life, so that I’ll be worthy of him when I finally get to heaven. I was a lucky girl when my big brother tricked me in to going on a date with him. :)

This country– God bless the USA. That’s all that needs to be said. We’re blessed to live here. Let’s not ever forget it.

My hobbies– I don’t have them like Brad did that’s for sure, but my hobbies are some of my life’s little joys. I love to work at something and see myself improve. I love to accomplish something fun. For a while, I was trapped in motherhood– baby food dripping from my hair and dozens of dirty diapers. When I found some hobbies that I was passionate about, that I could take a break from life and do something just for ME, I was a happier wife and a happier mother.

My computer– Silly that I’m so dependent on this little white thing on my lap. It’s my entertainment, my creative outlet, my brian, my connection to friends and the world. I seriously couldn’t live with out my computer. :) Oh, and I’m grateful that I chose to buy a Mac instead of a PC when I was making the big decision. Never regretted it once.

My dog– I'm especially grateful for him lately. He's such a good boy. He loves our family. Leah adores him. Brad loved him. He was Brad's puppy, his camping buddy, his bird hunting buddy. He still misses Brad. He used to look all over for him, he still does sometimes. He really is such a good companion. An awful guard dog, but a good dog.It's strange how attached we become to these animals.

Utah– I love this place. Even the awful winters can’t make me hate this place. It’s home. It’s where my family is. Everyone that lives here that wines and complains about how terrible it is, about how much they hate it can just go back to California. (Not hating the Californians, but I swear everyone is from Cali and they hate Utah.) Maybe then, we wouldn’t have so many cookie cutter sub-divisions going up and could have some actual land. --- ooh, that was a rant. Not to hate, I love my friend that are from Cali. The two of you that I have in mind can just stay here. :)

Comforts– I have a home. I have a job. I have a car. I can put gas in that car. I buy us food. We have clothes. We have toys. We are warm. We are safe. We are healthy. We are protected. There are so many who are without the basic necessities. I have them. I have things I don’t even need. Life’s not perfect, but I’ve met women who are widowed and homeless. That puts the struggle of being a widow and a single mother in a whole different perspective.

Next time, life decides to punch me in the face again, I’ll have to come to this list and read it over and over and add to it.

And, I swear the next time someone comes to my door with THAT LOOK on their face, we’re running far away. You can’t give me bad news if you can’t find me :)

To the top of Tower

I’d wanted to ride to the top of tower for a long time now. And when the peak was covered in a brilliant gold, I couldn’t have been more excited. Then, the storm hit. There went all the leaves and my chance for a good ride! Luckily, the weather warmed up and though Tower Mountain wasn’t as yellow as it had been in the past, we decided to try anyway.

Papa and Nana took the little girls with them. They rocked out to music and honked the horn the entire time, even stopping whenever there was snow so they could have a little snow ball fight.

Scattered leaves coated the trail, and some trees were already bare, but it was a brilliant ride any way.

That's Salem pond down there.

We made it to the top. We wound around the peak of the mountain several times, like a swirly ice cream cone. Nothing was higher then us. It was amazing, and I had a little bit of vertigo. There is a helicopter pad built on the peak, that’s probably 20 feet up and leans out over the mountain top. That’s were we were when we took these pictures. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little freaked out.

Do you see my house?

How about now?

After tentatively climbing down the stairs and off the landing pad, Steph and I decided to get a little goofy.

Or should I say awesome!?!

It was so cool, the girls had to get in on the fun.

We relaxed, settled down on the edge and ate our lunch.

It’s the pretties place a subway sandwich has ever been.

Such a long four wheeler ride is sure to make any baby fall asleep.

And any four year old, too.

TJ sent me pictures that he had from the same ride that he and Brad took last year. Of course, my husband doesn’t stay within the painted yellow safety lines like he should, he has to go lie in the chain link fence that is there to protect you if you trip and fall.

Man, what a cutie.

Emergency preparedness plan. Widowed style.

I’ve blogged before about things I wish I’d done differently and things I’m so very grateful that I did RIGHT.

Mostly, I did that for me. {Selfish, I know} but I also did that for you. I wanted you to make the most of your relationships, because you never know how long your loved ones will be around.

Today, I blog this only for you. These are some things I wish I had done differently. This is practical advice.

Because I don’t think you ever realize what a big, nasty pain in the freaking butt it is to have your spouse die. (besides the obvious, of course.)

You will never believe the paper work. The forms to sign. The meetings with lawyers. And accountants. And banking people. And tax people. The phone calls. The phone calls. THE PHONE CALLS!!!!!! (I’m STILL dealing with it)

If you’re like most married people, the thought of your spouse dying is one of your worst fears. I know you don’t like to think about it.

We’re told to have a plan in place for emergencies. So why shouldn’t you have a plan in place for death?

1. Have a will. Both of you. Even if you’re young and don’t think it’s necessary. Please have a will. You would think that just because you’re the spouse, everything naturally goes to you, no questions asked. Not true. Now, as long as no one (children, parents, siblings, ex’s) are contesting that the possessions or assets are yours, they pretty much are. But, legally it’s not that easy. So if you have a will and state that all your possessions and assets go to your spouse, that makes their job that much easier.

2. Put EVERYTHING in both of your names. Brad signed us up for Dish Network. It only had his name on it. Who cares, right? Well, after he died, Dish wouldn’t speak to me on the phone. It was the most annoying run around {seriously, I had to send a death certificate to DISH freaking NETWORK!?!} to get the account transferred into my name, so I could have authority to CLOSE THE FREAKING ACCOUNT!!! {now, I could’ve been a brat, and just not paid my bill….but, I didn’t} Anything you have a title or deed for should have both your names. You might see this as a pain because then if you sell a car, you both have to sign. Who cares? Brad had a lot of toys. Lots of toys means lots of paper work. Somethings had my name on them. Some things had his. Somethings had both. {It really just came down to who went to the DMV that day} I didn’t have any authority to do anything with those papers because my name wasn’t on it.

Because Brad didn’t have a will and because many of these things had only his name. I had to go through a long process of legal work to get the papers I needed so I could have any authority over all my stuff. PAIN IN THE BUTT.

3. Have life insurance. And check that the life insurance is really going to work for you. Read the fine print and make sure that they’re aren’t any loop holes that they can squeeze through. Because they’re big, awful corporations who want your money, but don’t want to give you any of theirs, even if you are a sad widow, with a super cute child and you’re both really cute when you stick out your bottom lip. THEY DON’T CARE. If there is a loop hole, they WILL find it. Don’t just blindly take the first life insurance your job offers you. Do you homework and make sure it will work for your family.

4. Allow your spouse to be a part of the “business” part of life, or at least make sure they can. I handled all our finances, most of the accounts at home and all such busy work, so it’s really not that much difference to me. I know of lots of people who don’t touch the money, deal with the bills, or have to deal with any companies. {lucky. How’d you get away with that?} What would you do if the other one died and suddenly, that job was yours? On that same note, make sure that your spouse is capable of doing the job that is primarily yours. How will your husband survive if he’d never changed a diaper? Or made dinner? How would your wife handle it if she doesn’t know how to mow the lawn. (oops. I shouldn’t preach about that one. I’ve never touched the lawn mower and I have magic lawn mowing fairies that do that–Leah and I thank you in our prayers every time, magic lawn fairies. I promise, I’ve hired someone to do that, you just ALWAYS beat them to it. ALWAYS. I love good neighbors.)

5. Have some savings. That's just common sense.

6. TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT IT!!!! Have a discussion about what you would do if they were to die. Discuss it. Tell them your plan X. (I say X because it’s so low on the backup plans and X is an appropriately ugly letter.) My plan X was to sell the sign shop, sell the house, and all his stuff, move into a little townhouse, lock the doors and curl up into a ball and cry. Somethings are going exactly according to my Plan X. Other, are different then I ever thought they’d be. For example, I’ve decided not to curl up and cry in a town home. :)

I tried chatting about it with Brad. In fact, I tried to get Brad to talk about it just a week or two before he died. He hated talking about it. I had to force him to. He always cut me off and said, “here’s my plan. I just won’t die.” {nice, right?}

I wish he’d talked about it with me. I wish we’d made a plan. Now that I’m making all these big girl decisions all by myself, it would be so comforting to KNOW that Brad would be happy about what I was doing, because we’d talked about it. For example, in deciding about where to move, our dog, Casey was a big factor. I just couldn't get myself to move somewhere that I couldn’t take him with me. I know Brad wouldn’t like that. I wish I had that much confidence about some of the other decisions I’m making.

So talk about it. I think some of your spouse’s wishes for you and your children might surprise you.

7. Last one. Have good people around you always. This is practical advice for everyone going through anything tough. I’m so glad that I have really close family that I love and who love me. I’m so glad that I have amazing friends. A few years ago, I felt like I didn’t have any friends at all. I can’t imagine going through this without good friends and family to support me. Make sure that you aren’t doing anything to ruin or damage your relationships. One day, no matter if it’s a death in the family or a broken toe, you’re going to need them. Those relationships might just be the thing between you making it through and becoming even better or breaking all to pieces.

On that note, I have to say thank you to all the people that have been there for Leah and I in someway or another. I am here, doing as well as I’m doing because I have YOU in my life.

Love you!