I’ve blogged before about things I wish I’d done differently and things I’m so very grateful that I did RIGHT.
Mostly, I did that for me. {Selfish, I know} but I also did that for you. I wanted you to make the most of your relationships, because you never know how long your loved ones will be around.
Today, I blog this only for you. These are some things I wish I had done differently. This is practical advice.
Because I don’t think you ever realize what a big, nasty pain in the freaking butt it is to have your spouse die. (besides the obvious, of course.)
You will never believe the paper work. The forms to sign. The meetings with lawyers. And accountants. And banking people. And tax people. The phone calls. The phone calls. THE PHONE CALLS!!!!!! (I’m STILL dealing with it)
If you’re like most married people, the thought of your spouse dying is one of your worst fears. I know you don’t like to think about it.
We’re told to have a plan in place for emergencies. So why shouldn’t you have a plan in place for death?
1. Have a will. Both of you. Even if you’re young and don’t think it’s necessary. Please have a will. You would think that just because you’re the spouse, everything naturally goes to you, no questions asked. Not true. Now, as long as no one (children, parents, siblings, ex’s) are contesting that the possessions or assets are yours, they pretty much are. But, legally it’s not that easy. So if you have a will and state that all your possessions and assets go to your spouse, that makes their job that much easier.
2. Put EVERYTHING in both of your names. Brad signed us up for Dish Network. It only had his name on it. Who cares, right? Well, after he died, Dish wouldn’t speak to me on the phone. It was the most annoying run around {seriously, I had to send a death certificate to DISH freaking NETWORK!?!} to get the account transferred into my name, so I could have authority to CLOSE THE FREAKING ACCOUNT!!! {now, I could’ve been a brat, and just not paid my bill….but, I didn’t} Anything you have a title or deed for should have both your names. You might see this as a pain because then if you sell a car, you both have to sign. Who cares? Brad had a lot of toys. Lots of toys means lots of paper work. Somethings had my name on them. Some things had his. Somethings had both. {It really just came down to who went to the DMV that day} I didn’t have any authority to do anything with those papers because my name wasn’t on it.
Because Brad didn’t have a will and because many of these things had only his name. I had to go through a long process of legal work to get the papers I needed so I could have any authority over all my stuff. PAIN IN THE BUTT.
3. Have life insurance. And check that the life insurance is really going to work for you. Read the fine print and make sure that they’re aren’t any loop holes that they can squeeze through. Because they’re big, awful corporations who want your money, but don’t want to give you any of theirs, even if you are a sad widow, with a super cute child and you’re both really cute when you stick out your bottom lip. THEY DON’T CARE. If there is a loop hole, they WILL find it. Don’t just blindly take the first life insurance your job offers you. Do you homework and make sure it will work for your family.
4. Allow your spouse to be a part of the “business” part of life, or at least make sure they can. I handled all our finances, most of the accounts at home and all such busy work, so it’s really not that much difference to me. I know of lots of people who don’t touch the money, deal with the bills, or have to deal with any companies. {lucky. How’d you get away with that?} What would you do if the other one died and suddenly, that job was yours? On that same note, make sure that your spouse is capable of doing the job that is primarily yours. How will your husband survive if he’d never changed a diaper? Or made dinner? How would your wife handle it if she doesn’t know how to mow the lawn. (oops. I shouldn’t preach about that one. I’ve never touched the lawn mower and I have magic lawn mowing fairies that do that–Leah and I thank you in our prayers every time, magic lawn fairies. I promise, I’ve hired someone to do that, you just ALWAYS beat them to it. ALWAYS. I love good neighbors.)
5. Have some savings. That's just common sense.
6. TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT IT!!!! Have a discussion about what you would do if they were to die. Discuss it. Tell them your plan X. (I say X because it’s so low on the backup plans and X is an appropriately ugly letter.) My plan X was to sell the sign shop, sell the house, and all his stuff, move into a little townhouse, lock the doors and curl up into a ball and cry. Somethings are going exactly according to my Plan X. Other, are different then I ever thought they’d be. For example, I’ve decided not to curl up and cry in a town home. :)
I tried chatting about it with Brad. In fact, I tried to get Brad to talk about it just a week or two before he died. He hated talking about it. I had to force him to. He always cut me off and said, “here’s my plan. I just won’t die.” {nice, right?}
I wish he’d talked about it with me. I wish we’d made a plan. Now that I’m making all these big girl decisions all by myself, it would be so comforting to KNOW that Brad would be happy about what I was doing, because we’d talked about it. For example, in deciding about where to move, our dog, Casey was a big factor. I just couldn't get myself to move somewhere that I couldn’t take him with me. I know Brad wouldn’t like that. I wish I had that much confidence about some of the other decisions I’m making.
So talk about it. I think some of your spouse’s wishes for you and your children might surprise you.
7. Last one. Have good people around you always. This is practical advice for everyone going through anything tough. I’m so glad that I have really close family that I love and who love me. I’m so glad that I have amazing friends. A few years ago, I felt like I didn’t have any friends at all. I can’t imagine going through this without good friends and family to support me. Make sure that you aren’t doing anything to ruin or damage your relationships. One day, no matter if it’s a death in the family or a broken toe, you’re going to need them. Those relationships might just be the thing between you making it through and becoming even better or breaking all to pieces.
On that note, I have to say thank you to all the people that have been there for Leah and I in someway or another. I am here, doing as well as I’m doing because I have YOU in my life.
Love you!
