I’m realizing that weekends are going to be hard. I got some pamphlets from a friend. In them, it mentioned Evenings, Weekends and Special Days.
“Many who have lost a spouse find themselves dreading evenings, weekends or special days. These are times when the void left by your loved one’s absence is more pronounced. Fewer people are around and there may not be as many tasks to distract or keep you occupied.”
It’s true. My distractions-the only way I’m staying sane-fizzle away on the weekends. Especially Sunday when, during church, I have nothing but three hours to think about my best friend and feel the spirt, which inevitably makes me emotional. I never used to be a “spiritually emotional” person. It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick lately (crying constantly does that to you) so it’s not even the sweet tears that I can wipe away daintily with the back of my fingers. It’s full on messy, ugly, noisy cry. The kind that calls for many tissues and constant nose sniffing-you know, embarrassing. The people at church must think I’m such a mess.
Last Sunday was my first Sunday back to church. And I was prepared for how hard it would be. I was ready for the looks, for the kind thoughts, the many “how are yous?” (you know, said with a slight tilt to the head and a pitying look) But I wasn’t ready for our good friend Brandon to bless his baby. The moment I heard it was happening, I couldn’t contain the water works. I’m not quite sure why it hit me. Brad should’ve been there. Not necessarily in the circle, but just listening to his friend give his first son a blessing. Then Brandon blessed Knox to live his life to the fullest and have no regrets. And I lost it. I was a wreck the whole rest of the meeting. Thanks Brandon, for the amazing blessing of your son, for thinking of Brad and for being such a good friend to him.
Coming home was hard. Sunday’s are the one day that Brad was entirely and unquestionably ours. We always came home and threw Leah something to snack on (you know, like a dog) so Brad and I could have a few minutes to ourselves while we changed our clothes and talked about church that day. Then the rest of the day was spent hanging out. Not doing anything. How can I miss doing nothing? Brad was such a busy guy. It was nice to have a few hours with nothing to do but just hang out, eat lunch together, snuggle on the couch, and go on Sunday drives. Now, my after-church routine of absolutly nothing is really that–Nothing.
And not the good kind. The boring kind. The kind that forces me to say hello to the emotions I’d been avoiding all week. I need to find a new thing to do on Sunday afternoons.
Stephanie came over on Friday night. We let the girlies have a sleepover. After about two hours of them playing in Leah’s room (mostly because Leah was super hyper) I asked Toby-who looked dead tired-if she wanted Leah to sleep in my room, to which she responded with a very sleepy, “uh-huh.” I hope the girls can get the hang of sleep overs. It might happen a lot.
Stephanie and I stayed up late {way too late} having a Vampire Diaries marathon. {My distraction of choice these days} Oh, Damon, you can distract me anytime with those piercing blue eyes.
Then, we hung out most of Saturday, just chatting and letting the girls play. Thanks Steph for filling my void this weekend.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Brad, and how this Saturday would’ve played out if he was here. TJ and Brandon went to the Sportsmen’s Expo, and though it had nothing to do with me, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Brad would’ve been with them. It was strange to me that he wasn’t there. I wonder if they thought the same thing.
Leah had her first dance recital today. I was really nervous on my way there–just anticipating the emotions I knew would come. I’d been shoving it aside all day. I got her dressed and went upstairs in the dance room to meet with all the other dancers. Leah was too adorable in her little blue dress and perfect ballerina hair.
I tried really hard to contain it. I just couldn’t stop thinking about Brad. He should’ve been there to watch his Leah dance. I hated that I was doing it by myself. She was just too precious and looked just like an angel. It’s one of those moments, not a big one, but a moment-our daughters first dance recital. It was special. And her Daddy wasn’t there.
Leah and I were sort of loners in the corner. She saw that I was crying a little and came over to hug me. I firmly believe that she was blessed to be a comforter. She has a gift. She always knows when someone is sad and makes sure she runs to hug them. Lately, she’s constantly wiping my tears and holding my face and telling me, “it’s okay. You’re gonna be alright.” When we’re somewhere, like in the car, she gets really anxious that she can’t reach me when I’m crying. How is it that she is the one comforting me? It should be the other way around.
I worked hard to pull it together. I was, after all, in a crowded room full of dancers and moms. So, I stood off in a corner, and quietly cried to myself. People saw me-some weird lady bawling to herself. Some of the moms in Leah’s class are aware of my situation, but they don’t know me well. I saw their worried glances. I understand that they didn’t know what to do or say. I wouldn’t. So, I tried hard to pull it together. But then I saw someone I did know.
A friend from my ward. Not someone I’m extremely close to, but someone I know from serving in the church. Someone I really like. The moment she walked in, I lost all my control. I knew she’d see me eventually. She’d come over to talk to me, cuz she’s a sweetheart like that. She knows what’s going on. She would know, when she saw my face what I was feeling.
Of course, that’s what happened. She looked at me, smiled in acknowledgment for a second, then her smile dropped into sad understanding. She came over and hugged me. I sobbed on her shoulder. It was embarrassing how out of control I was. She didn’t say anything. Didn’t try to make it better. Didn’t try to fix it or tell me that everything would be alright. She just let me cry. She shared my tears. I’m so blessed that God puts such people in my life that are so caring and sweet that, though they don’t know me that well, they would cry just at seeing me cry.
So, I stood in the middle of a loud, crazy dance room full of girls twirling in costumes and putting on makeup, sobbing in the arms of my sweet neighbor.
Such is my life lately.
Leah’s dance was so darling. She twirled in her beautiful dress and did some dainty leaps, but mostly, she played in the smoke. I mean, who thought it would be a good idea to fill the stage with dry-ice smoke during a three year old dance? She just chased it around and swirled it up with her little ribbon wand. Still, darling through.
Right before she was about to go on, my heart was pounding in my chest. It hurt. I thought maybe I was nervous for her. But I really wasn’t. I couldn’t quite pinpoint why my heart was aching like that. Looking back, I wonder if it was Brad. Maybe I was sensing him near.
He had to be there. I don’t know what goes on in Heaven, but I’m sure Brad is busy. You’re happy in heaven, right? Brad would never be happy sitting on a cloud plucking a harp (horrible analogy, I know) Brad is happiest when he is busy, productive and accomplishing something worthwhile. I know he’s hard at work. But, I’m sure he took a break to come and watch his sweet Leah dance. I told her to dance her best because Daddy would be watching her. I had a hard time filming because I was trying not to cry too loudly.
I’m so proud of her. I thought that she’d be nervous about going on the big stage, but she loved it. She keeps asking when she get’s to go back. Who knows, maybe she’ll really be a dancer, or a love to be in plays?
The “firsts” are hard. The first time we have to do something without Brad, or the first time we have to do something differently because Brad’s not here. So we can put first Sunday and first dance recital to the ever growing lists of firsts. It’s a list full of things I really don’t want to do, but I have to. What other choice to I have?
Leah, the song you danced to has the most perfect words and truly what I wish for you:
I wish for you the dearest things
Long summer times and endless springs
A happy hearts that always sings
And angels on your pillow
All the joys that love can give
As long as there is life to live
A peaceful mind to give you rest
And angels on your pillow
Someone there at journey’s end
Someone who’s a faithful friend
Love beginning without end
And Angels on your pillow
Cool breezes when you want a breeze
And blessings always when you sneeze
To come and go the way you please
And angles on your pillow.
