I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been so insanely busy. Sometimes, I wish it would all stop, but then, when it does, I’m constantly looking for something to occupy me. I don’t do well with time alone with my thoughts.
I’ve gone to Alaska twice this summer and it’s been phenomenal. When I went the first time, I was totally prepared to have a meltdown. It would happen when I got to my room, I thought. Maybe once I saw the cabin. I was ready.
I really wish I could predict these things. At the airport, I could tell my emotions were coming on, so I went to the bathroom. I’ll just have my little moment here in the stalls, I told myself, then I’ll be fine.
Which I was.
Until a medium size, dark green suitcase came around the conveyer belt. Brad’s suitcase. In one instant reaction, I reached for it, until I remembered that Brad wasn’t here. Then it all came crashing down on me. All my careful planning and preparations, and I lost it in the middle of the airport. I gathered my bags, trying to stay away from people, and keep it under control. Then we got out to the road to wait for our ride. I couldn’t keep it from people any more. My amazing Father in Law just came and put his arm around me. I covered my face *I’m so not pretty when I cry* and we bawled. Everyone did.
Another first. It sucks.
The rest of the trip went pretty well. It was a girls fishing trip to Alaska. How funny is that? We had a riot and weren’t quiet the whole time (my Father in Law can attest to that) I don’t think I’d laughed that much in a long time and it felt oh so good to just be silly and have fun.
There were hard parts though.
I kept looking for him everywhere. I just hand’t gotten used to the cabin without Brad. I’d find myself looking next to me to watch him laugh as we teased each other back and forth, or wait for him to drag my butt out of bed to go fishing. I’d look for him down to river to help with my line, or to give me reassurance when I was being insecure.
That is, in fact, one of the things that triggered another slight melt down. I’m not a good fisher. And when I’m not good at something and I’m surrounded by people who are (story of my life when you join the Ford family) I can get very insecure. I feel really stupid, I’m constantly worried about how dumb I look or if I’m doing it wrong or if people are laughing at me or worse–annoyed with me because I’m messing up and causing problems.
It’s one of my biggest faults and I hate it about myself.
It took Brad a while to figure out how to deal with my insecurities–he often triggered them himself. He, being a gold medalist at every freaking thing he touched (seriously, he could sew better then me) had little patience for someone who didn’t understand or pick up things quite as easily. Especially when I’d let it get the better of me and I’d get I’d get mad/sad/frustrated and give up. (or blow up as the case may be–sometimes it seems safer to get pissy then to show just how insecure I really feel. Mentally healthy thinking, right?)
I eventually figured out how to handle my issues better and he got much better at knowing how to help me–what things made me curl into my emotions refusing to try, and what things gave me confidence and made me feel comfortable.
Well….yep. I was on the river standing shoulder to shoulder with all the other fishers (it’s called combat fishing) and every time my freaking line got caught with someone else’s I felt dumber and dumber. I wanted to stop because no matter what I did, it always seemed to be my fault that there would be a tangle. Even when I swear it wasn’t!
It was then that I missed Brad so much. I needed him there to help me not feel so stupid. He would’ve been kind and patient. He’d tell me it’s not that big of a deal. And that alone would make me feel better. It was really more missing Brad then my insecurities that gave me a hard time that day.
But I refused to stop. I was going to catch a King Salmon gosh freaking dang it! And if I didn’t, well it wouldn’t be from lack of trying.
(Mikey had to hold on to me so I wouldn't go swimming!)
So, I fished, casting time after time, crying the whole time. It wasn’t even a rainy day to hide my tears.
And I finally caught a King Salmon.
Just a baby one.
The second trip just as great, though not as rowdy. (Mikey was probably grateful for that.) I got to bring my Dad and TJ with me and we had a ball! I didn’t even care if I fished. I just had so much fun watching them, knowing that fishing in Alaska was something that they always wanted to do and I got to be part of making it happen.
It was hard on us three though, because this was the trip Brad, TJ and my Dad were supposed to have together. He wanted them to come with us last year, but TJ’s wife was going to have a baby the week our trip was planned for. So, we thought we’d wait till next year.
Little did we know.
It’s not quite like they’d done it different. It was his baby after all. But it was still hard.
The second time around was easier though. I didn’t look for Brad as much. I didn’t have to deal with his clothes this time.
Brad’s family went together and planted Brad a tree in our yard. Brad’s cousin Nick was killed in a motorcycle accident a while ago up in Alaska, and there is a tree there for him. So now there’s one for Brad too.
I love it but unfortunately the moose do to. They’ve almost destroyed it. Carol and I are ready to shoot the buggers. Brad probably thinks it’s the coolest thing ever though.
So, my point is…….
It’s been an incredibly busy summer. And it’s been over six months. I wish I could say it’s flown by, that I can’t believe it’s been six months already. I guess somedays, when I think about everything that’s happened it does seem like just yesterday. But mostly, it’s been the slowest, most difficult, loneliest, scariest six months of my life.
I’m grateful that it’s been as busy as it has.
I’m really scared for the next six months though. I don’t have as many fun things planned. And there will be lots to deal with. The holidays, Brad’s birthday (December 24th), Christmas, New Years (a year Brad will never see) our would be 7th anniversary, and his one year mark. Most of that in the middle of a slow, cold winter.
Don’t be surprised if I need my friends to entertain me a lot more often.
Or if I get a cat.
