See, they list it out so nicely.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Wow. Doesn’t that sound so simple? So orderly?
Who the crap comes up with these kind of things? I can picture some very professional woman with beaded glasses cords and a mustard colored sweater, gnawing on her pen as she studies other peoples grief.
So how’s this supposed to work? I examine my emotions and assess what stage I’m in, then can I look forward to moving onto the next one, until I finally reach acceptance. Then it’s done, right? Oh, how I would love to check-list my grief.
It’s not the name of the stages that are bugging me-I agree with those. It’s that they call them “stages.”
It really should be called the freaky phases that will ricochet all over your day/hour/minute, making you feel completely insane and tired.
Seriously. I can go from being melancholy, to happy and laughing, to so pissed off, to feeling peaceful, to bawling uncontrollably--and that’s all in one hour!
They say acceptance is that last stage. Like, then it’s all over. I feel like about once a day, for a few minutes, I accept it all, with peace and a positive, hopeful outlook. Then, like whiplash, I’ll get so angry/sad/upset/confused or some other psycho emotion. Like a bipolar woman with PMS. Fun for me!
Not trying to complain here. Just trying to figure out what the crazy I’m supposed to feel, because the super intelligent, very logical articles on the internet aren’t that helpful. Because here’s the real deal:
Grief is not orderly. It’s not intelligent, or logical. It’s messy, ugly, and confusing. It sucks.
So, when you see me laughing, crying, being silly, or freaking out, know I’m just experience one of the stages. It will be over in a few minutes.
8 comments:
Tahsha, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. I don't think the grieving process is supposed to be neat and orderly. It should be ugly, and messy, chaotic and full of anger and wet tissues. Know that I am always thinking of you and Leah. Please do not hesitate to ask if you need anything. Love ya Tahsh.
p.s. If you ever want a VampireDiaries watching partner... I am IN!
p.s.s. How did Leah's 'Fancy Nancy' party go? It was all she could talk about at Idol on Thurs night. :)
Don't let anyone or anything tell you how you are supposed to feel. You are doing everything right.
I've thought of this website a lot lately and thought I would share it with you in case you want to look at it. It is www.agoodgrief.com. It was started by a woman who lost her daughter from choking on an apple. She is an inspiration and a great writer....just like you. :)
Oh Tahsha, I am pretty sure there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I think you just have to go through it, one minute at a time. I am sure in the end, and with Heavenly Father's help the outcome will be the same: peace and acceptance. That will take time. I am continually praying for you and Leah. Love you!
Tahsha, I love that you can have a sense of humor about your emotional roller coaster. I think you're absolutely right--there aren't "neat" stages. Maybe you should re-write the book about the stages of grief because I'm sure you're right on. You are an inspiration!
Much love!
we're still praying for you
Tasha,
Thank you for the sweet comment you left on the pics of my boys. Your little girl is BEAUTIFUL!!! I'm so glad that your blog is open, you are helping sooo many people out there, no matter what trial they may be facing right now in there lives. You seriuosly are inspiring! Hang in there, and realize that you don't always have to be strong. Sometimes I think a total and complete melt down is helpful. I will keep you in my prayers!
Tahsha,
First. I SECOND EVERY WORD you just said... but anyway...
I can truly feel your grief as you talk about how hard it is to go throughout each day after having lost your husband. I, too, have lost someone close to me... my son, Kolby. He was 16 1/2 months old when he died and it was tragic and unexpected. He and "the lady who's daughter died from choking on an apple" died within two weeks of each other. She is really sweet, I've talk to her on the phone a few times. She's from Park City. A really, really sweet girl.
I wanted to write and let you know that if you ever need anyone to vent to, to talk to, to scream at, to cry... I know you don't know me but just know this... I understand. I have been there and I am here. I have been there, it sucks that we can say that.
When I lost Kolby, I yearned for someone to know that had been in my shoes before when I was going through it... someone that could understand what I was going through and someone who would not think I was crazy for the thoughts and feelings I had each day. It is soooo hard and nobody understands it fully unless they have been there.
Weirdly, I knew your husband way before you and him got married, way before TJ and Steph got married, we were all friends too, a long, long time ago. I am Kellie (Graves) Curtis' cousin (if you know her?) We had a group of friends that used to get together all the time. And I remember Brad and I was so shocked to hear what had happened... I am just heartbroken for you and your beautiful daughter. I wish there was something I could do for you. I feel so helpless but feel so full of care for you right now.
If there is ANYTHING... anything at all that I can do for you... please let me know.
I hope you are doing ok. Just remember this... "You can't just 'move on' from something this tragic. You have to learn how to 'go on'. It's the only way to word how it feels right now. There's no such thing as 'moving on'. You can't. You have to begin a "new normal". Learn how to live without the one you love so much. It's so hard to understand."
That's one thing that constantly goes through my head almost EVERY day of my life since I lost Kolby. I can't even explain it. But it has really helped me, maybe it can help you, I don't know. And maybe it's all jibber jabber to you but I hope it helps.
Just know that there are people out there that truly understand how you feel and how hard it is each day that comes and goes by.
Stay strong, you are hanging in there... the first year is the hardest. For me, it seemed to get harder as time went on but after about the second year, it seemed like it started to become easier to bear. I hope you are ok. Just pray and you will feel a little better.
Love,
Cassie (Graves) McArthur
(cassiejomcarthur@gmail.com)
Amen sistah! I am definitely grieving in a messy, untidy way!
Liz Rosenbaum sent me a link to your blog. My husband just died 3 months ago. I have been reading your posts (like this one) back when you were about where I am now. Very helpful. I am about a decade older than you are, but still a young widow! I am LDS also and raising 3 cute kiddos 16, 12 and 6.
I don't even KNOW any young widows raising little kids where I live. So it is nice to find blogs like yours--helps me not feel so alone. Thanks so much for your willingness to share, it is quite comforting.
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