Gettin' Better

It really is. That’s weird for me to think. A year ago I felt so awful and so doomed. Like for the rest of my life, I was subjected to feel so gut wrenchingly terrible. Depressed. Dark. Because there was no way to fix what had happened. I just never thought I’d be able to feel truly happy again.

But, it’s getting better.

I think being done with this year has helped tremendously. All the firsts are over. This last year I didn’t do much with the whole moving on process. It was a year of “dealing” a year of getting through. Of surviving. I had so much to do to deal with the loss of Brad. So much practical crap that had to be taken care of. Wading through each new emotion that came my way whenever I experienced something new and hard because of the loss put a giant strain on my mental and spiritual well being. Now that those emotions aren’t so new and fresh, they aren’t as painful and I’m able to handle them better.

The house has helped so much. A new house. A new chapter. A new life. It hurt to have to do, but it’s necessary. And that clean, fresh start has been such a blessing to me and Leah.

And yes, let’s admit that a new chapter includes new people and dating is a part of that. Thus far, it’s been an interesting road to travel on. Somethings that I really thought would really bother me haven’t at all and other things have come as a surprise, but mostly, I think it’s been a good thing.

Last year was the “deal with it all” process, and now I feel the “move on” process starting. And that brings with it its own challenges. I’m trying to figure out the right balance that Heavenly Father wants me to have.

I don’t get it, and sometimes I don’t like it, but this is the plan that Heavenly Father has for my life. I could take this tragedy, cling to it tightly and never let it go. I could pine over Brad for the rest of my life, never allowing myself to be happy, never allowing myself to truly live my life. But I believe that Heavenly Father wants us to live our lives to the fullest and I think that if I let myself wallow in misery forever that would be against His will for me. What a waste of my life! What a tragedy for Leah. Brad would be so disappointed in me.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible says:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace

Not that that means that I get to wipe my hands clean and say “I’m done. I had my time to mourn, I can never be sad about the loss of my husband again.”

Going through something as big as this leaves a scar, that’s for sure. And it won’t ever go away. In so many ways, my life with Brad and everything that I’ve learned from his death has been a good thing–has changed me for the better and made me stronger. But sometimes things still catch me off guard and make me hurt.

Allowing myself to move on, giving myself permission to be happy in my new life hasn’t hurt or been as hard as I thought it would be. I think because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what Brad would want me to do.

I’m learning how to balance everything though. I read this quote on another widow’s blog:

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

I think there are a lot of things/emotions/feelings that I should hold on to; about Brad, his death and the grieving. There are also a lot of things that I need to let go of, and it’s tricky trying to figure that out. I’m just know that if I can stay close to the spirit it will let me know what’s right; what I need to let go of and what is good to hold on to.

PS I totally went to Disneyland. Took Leah on Splash Mountain. She screamed through the whole thing. I didn’t get a picture because she was in the back and you couldn’t even see her little face. :)