Lists

I usually avoid Brad’s nightstand. I normally don’t have time to break down. But I found myself digging through it the other day. I dunno, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment.

I touched the cover and quickly flipped through the pages, avoiding reading anything painful, then I remembered his lists written in the back few pages.

See, he wrote these lists at hard time in his life, when he was trying to figure things out. Things had been bad for him. Someone had hurt him horribly, and his life was, well, shattered.

While I still have the urge to beat the living crap out of anyone who would hurt my husband so badly, I’m oddly grateful for the horrible things he went through. Those trials turned that old Brad into MY Brad.

It was during that hard time that Brad’s love and reliance of the Savior really transformed into something personal, meaningful, and real. It was then that he really looked at his life--who he was and who he wanted to be.

He knew how bad things could be, so it opened his eyes to what he wanted in life and what he needed to do to get it.

He even told me that if he hand’t gone through those hard things, he never would’ve married me, or probably even dated me. When we met he wanted a good wife, a happy marriage, kids, and the temple. The old Brad, well, didn’t.

So he wrote some lists.

He wrote a list of who he was. He wrote a list of things he wanted to change. He wrote his strengths and his weaknesses.

There are two lists that are my favorite:

“What I want in a wife”

He wrote twenty-eight items of things he wanted. Then, later, in a blue pen, he wrote a “T” next to 27 of them. (the only thing I didn’t pass was “Not self conscious about themselves.”–I can't blame him. He's right.)

I can’t tell you how good it makes me feel that I passed his little check list.

My last favorite list was “My Goals. He wrote them when he was 20 years old.

The goals varied from things like, stop swearing, keep the sabbath day holy, read my scriptures every day to things like get married in the temple, have kids, learn to fly.

It went on for a while.

The reason why this is my favorite list:

He did it all.

Every One.

Twenty-eight years old, and he accomplished all the dreams he set out to do.

I can’t say that.

Can you?

I’m going to try harder.