Dating.

Okay. So it’s no secret that I’ve been dating someone for a while now. (if my complete lack of blogging hasn't clued you into the the fact that I’ve been a little preoccupied.)   

I don’t want to gush like crazy about him and be all lovey-dovey disgusting 

But I will anyways. 

For just a minute. 

He is amazing. He is cute and fun and happy. He treats me so good. He’s kind and thoughtful. We have so much in common and get along so well. He’s been through some rough things too. And those things have perfectly molded him to be just the person I needed to get through all of this. The right person and the EXACT right time. 

Seriously-- I know you don’t quite get it, but I KNOW that God put us in each other's paths at the exact time he did because he knew we needed each other. We were both broken- hurt- and not sure where to go and how to move on. And being together made it all possible. Have I said it yet? Cuz I don't know how else to say it. He is freaking amazing!

But I wanted to talk about the whole concept of dating on here. I know there are other widows/widowers out there and the idea of dating is terrifying. It was for me. 

Let me say this: though, yes, I’m twitterpated and all sorts of in love and it’s been an amazing few months, it’s also been very difficult for the both of us. Moving on is a necessary and very painful process. It’s hard to let go. Sometimes I didn’t want to at all. But I knew that good things were in store for me–for Leah–and allowing myself to totally and completely embrace all the good things about this new relationship and all it’s possibilities meant that I HAD to move on. I HAD to let go. How could I fairly give my all to a new relationship if I had both hands and feet curling around the past? I couldn’t be stuck there forever. 

For him, dating a widow can be super challenging. Think about it. No really, THINK ABOUT IT. Dating a woman who lost her husband just barely more then a year before. I didn’t want Brad to go. I didn’t want my marriage to end. I still love him and I always will. Imagine trying to deal with the feelings of jealousy, the worry of not living up to the ghost of a husband, worry of being compared, the worry that your girlfriend will never love you as much as she loves her late husband, the worry of trying to fit in with the new family who lost their son/brother in law, of trying to get along with the late husbands family (who are and always will be a big part of my life) Seriously, I was amazed that he didn’t go running and screaming for the door. Heck, sometimes it still amazes me that he’s here. He is seriously wonderful people. Those things have been hard for him, but he’s dealt with them so well, in the right way. I’m so lucky. 

Right now, I’m in such a good place. I am happier then I ever though I could be.

When I think back to those dark times, I can’t believe that I’m this happy. HOW? HOW is this possible? How can the woman that lost her husband 19 months ago be so happy? How can I already be moving on and feel such peace about it?

When Brad died, I felt such despair, and I’d resigned myself to that despair. I was convinced that I could move on with my life, I could even figure out a way to be okay, to be content, but I knew that I would never really be totally happy again because all that got torn away from me could never come back–so how could I really be happy?

I knew I was eventually going to have to date again. In fact, it was one of the many scatter-brained-shock-induced thoughts that went through my head the night that Brad died. I was going to have to date. Images of bowling alleys and cheap dinners flashed through my mind. (My only real dating experience was in high school- I was having serious PTSD.) 

At that point, I knew I wouldn’t even want to start thinking about dating until it had been 5 years or so. But even then, I was convinced that I’d never want to get married again. I was rationalizing ways that it would be okay for Leah to be an only child raised by a single mom forever. I was trying to figure out things to do to keep myself occupied and entertained for the rest of my life. I was convinced that I didn’t need a man to make me happy. That I didn’t HAVE to get married. In fact, I was kind of bugged by people’s comments: “Oh, you’re cute and young, you’ll get married soon.” Like that was some end all solution and that would solve all my problems.

Yup. I was convinced that dating was not in my near future. 

Then the loneliness set in. I was bugged by the loneliness. That year I probably had more close friend then I’d ever had in my life. I was constantly surrounded by people and fun things to do. So how could I feel so lonely? 

I was starting to realize what I was missing. So the idea of dating crept seriously into my mind. I thought about if for a long time. And it was hard. That was the start of my process of moving onwards and letting go. That was a few months before I even started dating. 

I wanted to wait a year. I don’t know why. Maybe some traditional sense of mourning. I wanted to be respectful, and plus, I had way too much to do to start worrying about boys. 

Then, with the year mark hovering around, I finally opened myself up to dating. It was exciting and new, and hard all at the same time. Somethings that I really thought would bother me didn’t at all, and some issues that arose really surprised me. 

I just want you to know that it hans’t been an easy process. I’m convinced that even if this relationship never ended up going anywhere, that dating and being in a relationship was a major key to my healing process. (don’t worry - we’re still doing wonderfully) It opened up to me worries/concerns/issues that I didn’t know I had- that would definitely halt my healing if I left them to fester. And I was able to deal with them, (with his help.) 

It’s been a tricky balance of holding on and letting go. It’s hasn’t been a cake-walk the whole time, but I know that because I have appropriately dealt with those emotions and hard situations, and I still will whenever they come up, (oh, they still come up) that the future ahead of me is bright and full of promise and a super cute guy. 

I'll keep you posted :)