I have good days. I have great days. I have okay days. And then there are the REALLY BAD DAYS. The kind that makes me want to curl up under my covers and pretend that the day never happened.
Usually, there are a thousand different emotions and fears clamoring around, vying for attention. Missing Brad, sad for Leah, scared for the future, upset about everything I lost, worried about Leah’s childhood, mad at all my ruined plans… the list goes on.
Usually, when I’m upset, I can never really pinpoint what it is exactly thats making me so, because it’s a combination of everything.
The other day, however, everything faded away. Nothing else mattered. There was only one thing that claimed all my attention and emotion and sent me overboard.
I miss Brad.
It was one of the first times that the missing hand’t been combined with a dozen other things. All day. I just missed him. It was pure, raw sorrow over him. And one of the first times I was able to identify that so clearly. No one ever tells you that loosing your husband is like taking out the most important piece on a house of cards-it causes everything else to tumble with it. And often, all those other cards get my attention, while the missing Brad card is still the one weighing most heavily on my chest.
Today, it was a different card. Fear for my future. I have no idea why it came at me today. Nothing happened today-it was actually pretty calm.
Never in my life have I been so uncertain of my future. I’ve never had to wade through darkness, not knowing what lies ahead. I guess, my years between High School and Brad were sort of uncertain as to what would happen with life, but that’s a big part of that time of your life. The plan was to figure out the plan. (Keep in mind that when I say “years” I’m really meaning 1 1/2 years. I married Brad when I was 19.)
Now, I just have NO idea what to do. Part of the upset is getting the rug pulled out from under me. All my plans, all my visions for the future are gone. I have to find a different path.
*And I DON’T WANT TO!* -stamps foot-
I have so many questions and doubt. Should I move or not? Town house, real house? Build, Buy? Stay in the ward, move else where? What about Leah’s childhood? I’m worried beyond belief about Leah’s childhood. I mean, seriously, an only child, raised by a single mom. *Boring!* What kind of life is she in for? It’s one of the things she’s most upset about. She wanted to be a sister SO bad. She prayed for it all the time. Should I adopt a kid so she can be a sister? (I’m kidding about that one...mostly.) Should I keep a horse for her? My hopes of having her share a backyard with her cousins got dashed today too.
Holy Cow! I’ve never felt more blind.
So, the Future card, along with the giant, heavy Missing Brad card that always sits uncomfortably on my chest, making me nauseous, was really bugging me.
Tonight I sang–well, tried to sing– Leah’s Daddy Lullaby tonight. She curled up and wrapped her tiny arms around me while I sobbed. I told her how much I missed him. She said “you miss Daddy a lot today.”
Then she curled her head into me, being very sad and said “I don’t cry about him.”
I told her, like I had before, that it was okay not to cry and that it didn’t mean that she doesn’t love him or isn’t sad, or doesn’t miss him. I just don’t think she knows what she feels or how to say what she feels.
Then, she said,
“I want him back.”
She said it. All by herself! I was actually excited that she finally admitted what she feels. All this time she’s been a little sassy about “I don’t miss Daddy. I’m not sad.” (believe me, it’s hard not to get mad when she does that)
The excitement was short lived though, because my heart broke all over again. She asked “When do we get him back?”
Again, we talked about heaven and dying and bodies and spirits.
She said, with the closest she’s ever come to tears since the day I told her, “Daddy’s in heaven and now we don’t have a family.”
DANG IT! FRICK! FRICK! FRICK! (I want to say worse words here)
It’s so not fair that this beautiful four year old has to have this in her life. Why doesn’t she get to have her Daddy?
Leah, I want him back too. I wish our family didn’t have to be separated. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.
So, I feel like we had a tiny break through tonight, maybe I can start to understand what Leah's going through. It’s a broken hearted break though.
Though this song is from the point of view of a jilted ex, some of the words reach me. “I’m busy getting stronger.” Honestly, I don’t feel it right now, but I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to feel myself get a little bit stronger.
A Little Bit Stronger
Sara Evans
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
8 comments:
This breaks my heart! Little Leah missing her daddy. It's really not fair. Life is so unfair sometimes. I so wish I could be there--not that that would solve anything or take away all your pain, but I just wish I could help you pass some of the time. I will keep praying for you, and I hope that you can sort through all the different tasks and emotions you have on your plate! Much love!
:'(
Oh man... this one definitely brought on the tears. I just want to come over and give you and Leah the biggest hugs. I am so sorry that you and Leah are going through this. Know that I think of you guys a lot and pray for you to find the strength you need to get through this hard time. Love you lots.
-ash
I bawled through this whole post! I am so sorry Tasha! I can't even come close to imagine what you are going through!
I showed my 4 year old a Picture on your blog of Leah and told her a little about your family and that we need to always keep them in our prayers and she does every night!
this song has been on my mind a lot lately...♥ i agree with this post completely, good and god awful days...a friend told me that we never get over it. just learn to live with it, and honestly this is the only advice-ish type thing i have been told and not gotten upset about...hope it helps in some little way.
Whenever I heard this song, it made me think of you.
This post got me. This post really hit. I 100% agree with you...
Frick frick frick frick!!! Dumb, Stupid, it makes me angry. I don't understand either Tahsha.
I'm sorry about the house, I wish I wish. Frick, Dumb, Stupid.
I feel so helpless most of the time, I don't know what to do for you, how to help you. It makes my heart hurt to see you hurt. I want you to know that if I could take away your pain, even a 1/4 of it, I would in a heartbeat.
Keep praying, continue to turn to the Lord. He is where you will get stronger, I know the Lord can heal you. It will take time, but I know He is the one that can help yours and Leah's hurt.
I love you both.
sweet tahsha, I am so so sorry for your loss. your posts are so tender and real, I appreciate you sharing this new and unexpected journey with us. We have a lot to learn from you. you are doing an amazing job, keep going. if there is one thing I have learned, it's that I can do hard things. you can too. you are doing them, and like you said, each day you get stronger. regardless, it totally sucks.
you and your sweet leah are in our prayers.
Tahsha. My heart breaks for Leah. I agree. I think that it is so unfair for her be without her Daddy. It hurts to know that. I also have a little girl. She is without her husband and love of her life. I hurt for her every day. Why did this happen to her. She has always lived in such a way that she has earned and deserves happiness. I have cried many times while reading her blog or watching her struggle with the enormity of what is left of her life. My little girl is shattered and it hurts so much. I have fixed many of the hurts in her life Why can't I fix this? Why can't I make her happy again. I would crawl through the streets of heaven to find her love and bring him back. I just can't find the way.
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