Tonight we went back to our grief support group after a summer break. I was hesitant to go. I always am–mostly because I’m so done that I just want to go HOME! (Leah and I left our house today at 7:00 and got home at 9:00)
But, like most weeks, I was pretty glad I went. Leah loves it, and it’s nice to talk to people who understand what I’m dealing with and aren’t sick of hearing me talk about it all the time.
Cuz that’s what they’re there for. To listen and share and understand.
Tonight I mostly listened.
Listened as a widow just younger than me shared about the hard life she’s had.
Scratch that. Not hard.
Horrible, gut wrenching, awful. I’m not just talking about a few bad days here. This is her life. Her children’s lives.
I cried.
I felt totally overwhelmed. And guilty.
I know I have some hard things in my life to deal with. And guess what, there’s probably going to be more.
But.
I really do have SO MUCH to be grateful for. I am so totally blessed, I feel like I don’t deserve it. As I listened to her, I couldn’t find one thing in my life worth complaining about.
I felt stupid. I knew some people had lives like this. But I’d never been face to face with someone who did. I live in a bubble sometimes. She was cute ad funny. I could tell that she was trying not to act like what she was saying was a big deal, but I could see how much her heart was broken and how hard she was trying.
I am overwhelmed with the blessings that I have. And I feel guilty. Awful. I almost couldn’t look her in the face as I thought that Leah and I had just spent the hour before going out to eat together and buying some crap that I don’t need just because it was cute.
I take so much for granted.
Man.
I feel so blessed right now.
1 comment:
I've been following your blog for a little while now, even though I don't know you personally. My situation and experiences have been much different than yours however, I can relate to some degree and admitably find it comforting that I'm not the only one having similar thoughts and feelings through extremely difficult times. I just wanted to let you know that your trials are tough....you can admit and recognize that, even in the face of someone elses trials that may have it harder. I used to think so similar to you in that I should be grateful I don't have it worse and wondering what I was crying for, but over the years I have come to realize that in my own life, in my own story, it "has" been hard and quite unbearable at times. With that said, I haven't done everything right, stopped crying when I should have or pulled myself up before it was too late but I am proud of the way I've sailed my ship over the journey good and bad. I had a good friend tell me, "The journey may not have been the one that you wanted, but you have to be proud of the way you are traveling it, pull your sails, feel the wind and enjoy the thrill of it because it is so easy to blink and miss the whole point of it." This just helped me put things into perspective at the time and I wanted to share. I wish you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet daughter. You are going through your own hell with all the rights to grieve, worry, cry and laugh through it all. Chin up, it will be ok. =)
Rebecca
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